it's 12:04. i'm supposed to be doing productive things and i cant quite get myself to want to. it's funny because 2 weeks ago i was charged up for this type of thing. now i don't even want to be at work. or near work. or thinking about work.
or really anything.
life is always this thing i have in my mind that i can't quite get to. this is the part where some invisible narrator says, "this is life." stupid faceless voice.
i was laying in my bed this morning at dawn looking at my purple walls with all my pictures arrayed about. and i thought, "i was never meant to be here." and i don't know if that thought stems from being treated inconsequential or because i really should be somewhere else.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
father's day
yesterday was fathers day. i was pretty grumpy for the most part of the day, to be honest. the last time i saw my dad was fathers day two years ago when he came to visit me (unexpectedly) in york. when he was there we didn't have those stellar conversations that we always had. we barbecued. he drank two budweisers in two days and that was probably less than i had seen him drink in years. there was a disconnect and i knew it then. and i knew why too. but i thought it only in passing.
i guess i don't really want to talk about all the stuff that has happened since then. i don't want to think about that part of my dad, just for a little while. though it is difficult to separate the man from the action in this circumstance. while i can though, here are some things i hope i never forget (i am lucky to have such recollections):
his hands. dad had sun spots on his hands, more so with age. his fingernails were flat but had ridges. his fingers were stubby. there was a half-moon scar on his left hand from when he thought it appropriate to play with fireworks. i can remember his hands on my shoulders. he always did that when he wanted a hug.
my dad was tough. a "tough guy". now you know where i get it from. mike anderson once told me a story about the cobblestone in syracuse on a weekend. he said that some guy had been talking crap to them all night and that he dared to get up in mike's face (as a reminder: mike anderson is h u g e ). mike told me that before he could get a hold on the argument my dad had jumped onto the pool table and took a running dive at this man. all parties were consequently kicked out of the bar. but dad won. so maybe he wasn't a very big man, to say the least, but he had heart.
dad used to call me "baby" all the time. perhaps he had seen dirty dancing too many times, which could actually be true. it used to drive me nuts when i was in high school. hell, it made me angry right through college. i remember dad coming to visit my apartment in buffalo when i lived with adam. he showed up at the door, handed adam his luggage, put his hands on my shoulders and said, "i love you baby". i can't even imagine now why such things used to offend me so easily.
you definitely knew where you stood with dad. if he liked you, he'd walk to the end of the earth for you. if not, oh man. one word: headlock. many, many a boyfriend i lost to this strategy of his: new boyfriend does something stupid (dad has been waiting for this moment) dad rushes at boyfriend and puts him in a headlock, new boyfriend's face turns red. i never stopped him. maybe it's because i never really liked any of those ones (good call, dad). if he was mad at you, you knew it. but that was never as bad as when he was disappointed, then he would just cry. oh man, he got me good a couple of times with that. that always made me want to be dead. but mostly he just called me "kristi" or "baby" and told me he loved me. that's where i stood with him (most of the time).
the last time i saw my dad was father's day weekend two years ago. we went to lunch at omega on my lunch break from the office. i had the honey dijon salad with chicken. we talked about his plans for the rest of the weekend. he dropped me off at work and as i walked into work i turned around and saw him wipe his eyes just before getting into the car. he pulled out of the driveway and honked twice.
and that's all i am going to say. none of those bad things. none of them.
i guess i don't really want to talk about all the stuff that has happened since then. i don't want to think about that part of my dad, just for a little while. though it is difficult to separate the man from the action in this circumstance. while i can though, here are some things i hope i never forget (i am lucky to have such recollections):
his hands. dad had sun spots on his hands, more so with age. his fingernails were flat but had ridges. his fingers were stubby. there was a half-moon scar on his left hand from when he thought it appropriate to play with fireworks. i can remember his hands on my shoulders. he always did that when he wanted a hug.
my dad was tough. a "tough guy". now you know where i get it from. mike anderson once told me a story about the cobblestone in syracuse on a weekend. he said that some guy had been talking crap to them all night and that he dared to get up in mike's face (as a reminder: mike anderson is h u g e ). mike told me that before he could get a hold on the argument my dad had jumped onto the pool table and took a running dive at this man. all parties were consequently kicked out of the bar. but dad won. so maybe he wasn't a very big man, to say the least, but he had heart.
dad used to call me "baby" all the time. perhaps he had seen dirty dancing too many times, which could actually be true. it used to drive me nuts when i was in high school. hell, it made me angry right through college. i remember dad coming to visit my apartment in buffalo when i lived with adam. he showed up at the door, handed adam his luggage, put his hands on my shoulders and said, "i love you baby". i can't even imagine now why such things used to offend me so easily.
you definitely knew where you stood with dad. if he liked you, he'd walk to the end of the earth for you. if not, oh man. one word: headlock. many, many a boyfriend i lost to this strategy of his: new boyfriend does something stupid (dad has been waiting for this moment) dad rushes at boyfriend and puts him in a headlock, new boyfriend's face turns red. i never stopped him. maybe it's because i never really liked any of those ones (good call, dad). if he was mad at you, you knew it. but that was never as bad as when he was disappointed, then he would just cry. oh man, he got me good a couple of times with that. that always made me want to be dead. but mostly he just called me "kristi" or "baby" and told me he loved me. that's where i stood with him (most of the time).
the last time i saw my dad was father's day weekend two years ago. we went to lunch at omega on my lunch break from the office. i had the honey dijon salad with chicken. we talked about his plans for the rest of the weekend. he dropped me off at work and as i walked into work i turned around and saw him wipe his eyes just before getting into the car. he pulled out of the driveway and honked twice.
and that's all i am going to say. none of those bad things. none of them.
Friday, June 13, 2008
someone call the w-ambulance
disregard that last post. you know, one of the major reasons why i stopped keeping a journal was because when i leafed back through the pages i realized how crazy shit is. i got tired of looking at my life going from fine to great to shitty to great to fine.
and it was silly that i stopped writing.
because that is just how this is going to be--life that is. we all keep waiting for everything to be okay. and you know what--it will never be okay. there will be good, even great times. but there are always going to be some lingering negatives. there will be speeding tickets and hangnails. there will be relationship problems and fair weather friends. we will have piles and piles of work to think about when we get home. laundry, garbage, lawns to mow. and that's not even the tough stuff.
when we were in high school our parents always said that those years would be the best of our lives. they were lying of course. but, the truth of that statement lies in the fact that we had no idea what we were in for. if they were going to be straight-up they would have said that it only got worse from there.
don't get me wrong, life isn't bad, that isn't what i mean to say. it's just that it isn't easy and it isn't okay. and it never will be. and we ride the ride because there's no way out. it's like being at the pinnacle of the roller coaster and knowing that you're about to drop hundreds of feet and not even being able to scream because of the fear of the thing. so we take our baggage and our doubts and our insecurities, and we plummet.
on that note, don't disregard that last post.
and it was silly that i stopped writing.
because that is just how this is going to be--life that is. we all keep waiting for everything to be okay. and you know what--it will never be okay. there will be good, even great times. but there are always going to be some lingering negatives. there will be speeding tickets and hangnails. there will be relationship problems and fair weather friends. we will have piles and piles of work to think about when we get home. laundry, garbage, lawns to mow. and that's not even the tough stuff.
when we were in high school our parents always said that those years would be the best of our lives. they were lying of course. but, the truth of that statement lies in the fact that we had no idea what we were in for. if they were going to be straight-up they would have said that it only got worse from there.
don't get me wrong, life isn't bad, that isn't what i mean to say. it's just that it isn't easy and it isn't okay. and it never will be. and we ride the ride because there's no way out. it's like being at the pinnacle of the roller coaster and knowing that you're about to drop hundreds of feet and not even being able to scream because of the fear of the thing. so we take our baggage and our doubts and our insecurities, and we plummet.
on that note, don't disregard that last post.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
yayyy beer
so the sweetest thing happened. i went to a banquet last night at the convention center in rochester. there were all kinds of big wig sports guys there whose names and accomplishments i really didn't know or even care to know. but there was a live auction and gerg got us 8 tickets to tour/taste at high falls brewery. and i am so psyched. they dont normally give tastings there so it's like charlie & the chocolate factory except with beer. yessssah. i love beer. its seems my liver has been gaining career confidence lately. i'm going to consider it a hazard of the job.
to continue on the beer topic, kyle & i have been planning our brewery lately and i think if we plan it thoroughly enough and lil says no, then maybe we should do it anyways. i mean, if i am to go down in flames i'd at least prefer to do it with style and in hopes of accomplishing a major life dream.
oh dreams, i'm so glad i have you, and future, you too.
to continue on the beer topic, kyle & i have been planning our brewery lately and i think if we plan it thoroughly enough and lil says no, then maybe we should do it anyways. i mean, if i am to go down in flames i'd at least prefer to do it with style and in hopes of accomplishing a major life dream.
oh dreams, i'm so glad i have you, and future, you too.
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