Monday, August 25, 2008
today
alright so i have a new mission. well i have many new missions, really. most of them are work related though so i'm not going to count them. my new mission is to allow myself to revel in times that are good. i haven't really done that in a couple of years. but i've been really lucky in the past couple of months and it's been awesome and i just don't think i really let myself love it like i could. and i really want to do that. so, even though it could all be gone in seconds--i am going to enjoy it all just the same. All of it.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
i have a day off, yeahhhh
sometimes i think i am ridiculous. i guess i am.
yesterday morning i dropped a large can of shaving cream on my toe. i think i broke it. try saying the word "toe" 100 times in a day and see if you don't feel ridiculous. at work yesterday i was walking around collecting money from the different bars and i noticed that the 4 foot tall monstrosity shaped as a buffalo bills player (holding a bottle of wine in one hand) had unfortunately lost one of his arms which lay pitifully by his unmoving feet. i attempted to re-attach his wooden arm and walked away only to hear it crash to the ground. i went back and picked it up off the floor and carried it to the staff room, having to walk past the bar in the process. which was conveniently loaded with people. all these people found this particular vision to be quite funny. all the sudden 30 drunken people were looking at me carrying around a wooden arm. i made some stupid joke and disappeared.
that's the funny side of being ridiculous. it's double-edged though.
i work more than i should. i work harder than i am expected. i am not paid for it. my work is not valued. i am yelled at for having ideas. not that those ideas aren't put into action...they are....by someone else. but i keep doing it because what the hell else am i going to do? so i march around the tasting room and keep things in order to the best of my ability. and my co-workers listen and do a good job. and i guess that's all i can ask for. besides a good recommendation in the future, hopefully.
no one told me about this time of life and how difficult it was going to be. i'm out of college but still not making any money. i have no friggin idea what i am doing, i'm just making it up as i go. how come i was never warned?
i still like this life though. especially between the hours of 11pm and 9am. last night it rained and we left the windows open and listened to it. there was lightening too. we talked about how easy it's become to be next to each other every night. there's only a few more weeks of that so i will have to enjoy it all the more. i've never really been with someone who has wanted to be with me. i've always kind of been an afterthought. i like it.
yesterday morning i dropped a large can of shaving cream on my toe. i think i broke it. try saying the word "toe" 100 times in a day and see if you don't feel ridiculous. at work yesterday i was walking around collecting money from the different bars and i noticed that the 4 foot tall monstrosity shaped as a buffalo bills player (holding a bottle of wine in one hand) had unfortunately lost one of his arms which lay pitifully by his unmoving feet. i attempted to re-attach his wooden arm and walked away only to hear it crash to the ground. i went back and picked it up off the floor and carried it to the staff room, having to walk past the bar in the process. which was conveniently loaded with people. all these people found this particular vision to be quite funny. all the sudden 30 drunken people were looking at me carrying around a wooden arm. i made some stupid joke and disappeared.
that's the funny side of being ridiculous. it's double-edged though.
i work more than i should. i work harder than i am expected. i am not paid for it. my work is not valued. i am yelled at for having ideas. not that those ideas aren't put into action...they are....by someone else. but i keep doing it because what the hell else am i going to do? so i march around the tasting room and keep things in order to the best of my ability. and my co-workers listen and do a good job. and i guess that's all i can ask for. besides a good recommendation in the future, hopefully.
no one told me about this time of life and how difficult it was going to be. i'm out of college but still not making any money. i have no friggin idea what i am doing, i'm just making it up as i go. how come i was never warned?
i still like this life though. especially between the hours of 11pm and 9am. last night it rained and we left the windows open and listened to it. there was lightening too. we talked about how easy it's become to be next to each other every night. there's only a few more weeks of that so i will have to enjoy it all the more. i've never really been with someone who has wanted to be with me. i've always kind of been an afterthought. i like it.
Friday, August 1, 2008
...
tomorrow is august 2nd. i took the day off of work because for the rest of my life this one day of the year should be without complication. i need time for things. i need time to remember how that one day...6 measly hours...changed everything. i've thought a lot about things (obviously) and i have a theory on those very small hours. my theory is this: there are only a very few moments that define us. in those hours of august 2nd i learned what kind of person i am. in fact, i learned more about myself on august 2nd than i learned the entire 21 years before that. let me detail those hours for my own sake...i have never written about them before this...
i woke up at 8am and watched the today show while i got ready to go to work as a financial assistant, which is really just a fancy term for secretary. i wore a white shirt that day and i remember that because i spilled coffee down the front of it on the drive to the office. i also hit a small animal with my very shitty pontiac on that drive. i had never hit anything until that morning. when i got to work i examined my white shirt and in doing so i wrote all over my boob with a red pen. god only knows how i managed that but hey, i'm impressive, what can i say? immediately after that my mom called the office and i remember emphatically asking if there could be any other curve balls that day. for the most part that day my boss was not in the office so i went about my usual business...re-arranging my netflix list and watching videos of people falling on youtube. this continued until about noon when my boss sauntered into work and gave me a stack of papers to fill out and fax. at about one i received a frantic call from my mother saying that jill had been in a bad accident and that she was being taken to the hospital immediately. she told me jill was bleeding from the head. i looked at my boss who was by that time hovering over me and staring. he told me to go, and i went. i called nate and he met me and we drove to syracuse together. i called dad to see if jill was on his insurance, he said no. we ate burger king on the way. we talked about all the things we wanted to say to our fathers but couldn't. when we got to the hospital joe b. was there and we all began to wait. i kept trying to call dad and update him but i couldn't reach him. i called tracy to see if she was with him. she told me they were supposed to be on a date but he never showed up. she said she was going to his house to see what was up and that she would call. when she didn't call i began to worry. i called her again. she said she found a note on the door and she called the police. i asked her if everything was ok and she said no. i asked if dad was ok and she said no. i asked if he was alive and she said no. i walked into the waiting room that was by that time full of people all waiting for jill and i pointed at nate. nate came out into the hall with me and i said dad was dead. then i said it again. and again. then all of a sudden i was wailing it and crying. i tried to be anywhere but there but there was only hospital on every side. my mom came out and tried asking me what was wrong. i told her i couldn't tell her, not there and not then. she followed me. i screamed it, "he's dead mom!" and then i was on the floor and nate was trying to hold me. i couldn't get up. nate and joe carried me to a bench. 10 minutes later i was on the phone with jenna. 20 minutes later i was outside the hospital smoking a cigarette with nate. by 1am jill was out of surgery. she came out with a brace on her neck and tubes down her nose and throat. she was throwing up but couldn't move and couldn't breath. she was puffy and bleeding. i stroked her hair at 1am and wondered how i would tell her. how do you tell your incapacitated sister that your father shot himself? what happens to you after you've had to make that decision?
i can't write anymore. but to bring it back around...i know now. i know what happens after that moment. i know that my life will never be the same and i know that no matter how many more times the face of my world is altered i will be able to manage it. that's enough for now.
i woke up at 8am and watched the today show while i got ready to go to work as a financial assistant, which is really just a fancy term for secretary. i wore a white shirt that day and i remember that because i spilled coffee down the front of it on the drive to the office. i also hit a small animal with my very shitty pontiac on that drive. i had never hit anything until that morning. when i got to work i examined my white shirt and in doing so i wrote all over my boob with a red pen. god only knows how i managed that but hey, i'm impressive, what can i say? immediately after that my mom called the office and i remember emphatically asking if there could be any other curve balls that day. for the most part that day my boss was not in the office so i went about my usual business...re-arranging my netflix list and watching videos of people falling on youtube. this continued until about noon when my boss sauntered into work and gave me a stack of papers to fill out and fax. at about one i received a frantic call from my mother saying that jill had been in a bad accident and that she was being taken to the hospital immediately. she told me jill was bleeding from the head. i looked at my boss who was by that time hovering over me and staring. he told me to go, and i went. i called nate and he met me and we drove to syracuse together. i called dad to see if jill was on his insurance, he said no. we ate burger king on the way. we talked about all the things we wanted to say to our fathers but couldn't. when we got to the hospital joe b. was there and we all began to wait. i kept trying to call dad and update him but i couldn't reach him. i called tracy to see if she was with him. she told me they were supposed to be on a date but he never showed up. she said she was going to his house to see what was up and that she would call. when she didn't call i began to worry. i called her again. she said she found a note on the door and she called the police. i asked her if everything was ok and she said no. i asked if dad was ok and she said no. i asked if he was alive and she said no. i walked into the waiting room that was by that time full of people all waiting for jill and i pointed at nate. nate came out into the hall with me and i said dad was dead. then i said it again. and again. then all of a sudden i was wailing it and crying. i tried to be anywhere but there but there was only hospital on every side. my mom came out and tried asking me what was wrong. i told her i couldn't tell her, not there and not then. she followed me. i screamed it, "he's dead mom!" and then i was on the floor and nate was trying to hold me. i couldn't get up. nate and joe carried me to a bench. 10 minutes later i was on the phone with jenna. 20 minutes later i was outside the hospital smoking a cigarette with nate. by 1am jill was out of surgery. she came out with a brace on her neck and tubes down her nose and throat. she was throwing up but couldn't move and couldn't breath. she was puffy and bleeding. i stroked her hair at 1am and wondered how i would tell her. how do you tell your incapacitated sister that your father shot himself? what happens to you after you've had to make that decision?
i can't write anymore. but to bring it back around...i know now. i know what happens after that moment. i know that my life will never be the same and i know that no matter how many more times the face of my world is altered i will be able to manage it. that's enough for now.
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