they'll name a city after us then later say it's all our fault

i don't want to get excited or anything, but i don't think my life has been this good before. i mean, i've had a pretty great life, considering. but really, i couldn't have planned this better. i work at a winery and they even let me run some stuff. today i tasted a bunch of wine/cheese as a part of work. i went shopping at the gift shop on the clock. my friends work where i work and we make jokes all day long. it's only the first week of september and they want to plan their halloween costumes as much as i do. i order junk food for work and ordered twizzlers because i like to eat them for breakfast and no one is going to tell me no. i can paint my walls any color i like and dustin will help me do it. my kitten got out this week (not by me) and i loved her and i miss her. but dan says we will get a new kitten and that she will be our kitten. and that makes me happy.

yesterday evening i watched him walk out to the grapevines in our yard to pick some grapes. i thought about how much i like him and about all the steps i took to get to this chair in this kitchen just to watch him eat some grapes. and about how much that very small and unimportant moment meant for someone like me. he turned to me last night and looked at me and i asked why. he replied that he just liked to see me look happy. and i did look happy because i was eating twizzlers and not really paying attention to the signs of contentment on my face. it's nice to have someone who understands that 89 cents worth of candy can really make a difference in my day. and he even likes me better for it too. it wasn't the only the twizzlers though. i am happy in dan's bed because it is ours. and of everyone that i've ever met i think he's trustworthy. i see no end to him, but don't tell him that.

so now i am going to watch more episodes of season 3 of weeds and enjoy this part of 23 before it turns. but, for the record, i have catalogued these past few months of life as the first time i've ever really been content just because.

today

alright so i have a new mission. well i have many new missions, really. most of them are work related though so i'm not going to count them. my new mission is to allow myself to revel in times that are good. i haven't really done that in a couple of years. but i've been really lucky in the past couple of months and it's been awesome and i just don't think i really let myself love it like i could. and i really want to do that. so, even though it could all be gone in seconds--i am going to enjoy it all just the same. All of it.

i have a day off, yeahhhh

sometimes i think i am ridiculous. i guess i am.

yesterday morning i dropped a large can of shaving cream on my toe. i think i broke it. try saying the word "toe" 100 times in a day and see if you don't feel ridiculous. at work yesterday i was walking around collecting money from the different bars and i noticed that the 4 foot tall monstrosity shaped as a buffalo bills player (holding a bottle of wine in one hand) had unfortunately lost one of his arms which lay pitifully by his unmoving feet. i attempted to re-attach his wooden arm and walked away only to hear it crash to the ground. i went back and picked it up off the floor and carried it to the staff room, having to walk past the bar in the process. which was conveniently loaded with people. all these people found this particular vision to be quite funny. all the sudden 30 drunken people were looking at me carrying around a wooden arm. i made some stupid joke and disappeared.

that's the funny side of being ridiculous. it's double-edged though.

i work more than i should. i work harder than i am expected. i am not paid for it. my work is not valued. i am yelled at for having ideas. not that those ideas aren't put into action...they are....by someone else. but i keep doing it because what the hell else am i going to do? so i march around the tasting room and keep things in order to the best of my ability. and my co-workers listen and do a good job. and i guess that's all i can ask for. besides a good recommendation in the future, hopefully.

no one told me about this time of life and how difficult it was going to be. i'm out of college but still not making any money. i have no friggin idea what i am doing, i'm just making it up as i go. how come i was never warned?

i still like this life though. especially between the hours of 11pm and 9am. last night it rained and we left the windows open and listened to it. there was lightening too. we talked about how easy it's become to be next to each other every night. there's only a few more weeks of that so i will have to enjoy it all the more. i've never really been with someone who has wanted to be with me. i've always kind of been an afterthought. i like it.

...

tomorrow is august 2nd. i took the day off of work because for the rest of my life this one day of the year should be without complication. i need time for things. i need time to remember how that one day...6 measly hours...changed everything. i've thought a lot about things (obviously) and i have a theory on those very small hours. my theory is this: there are only a very few moments that define us. in those hours of august 2nd i learned what kind of person i am. in fact, i learned more about myself on august 2nd than i learned the entire 21 years before that. let me detail those hours for my own sake...i have never written about them before this...

i woke up at 8am and watched the today show while i got ready to go to work as a financial assistant, which is really just a fancy term for secretary. i wore a white shirt that day and i remember that because i spilled coffee down the front of it on the drive to the office. i also hit a small animal with my very shitty pontiac on that drive. i had never hit anything until that morning. when i got to work i examined my white shirt and in doing so i wrote all over my boob with a red pen. god only knows how i managed that but hey, i'm impressive, what can i say? immediately after that my mom called the office and i remember emphatically asking if there could be any other curve balls that day. for the most part that day my boss was not in the office so i went about my usual business...re-arranging my netflix list and watching videos of people falling on youtube. this continued until about noon when my boss sauntered into work and gave me a stack of papers to fill out and fax. at about one i received a frantic call from my mother saying that jill had been in a bad accident and that she was being taken to the hospital immediately. she told me jill was bleeding from the head. i looked at my boss who was by that time hovering over me and staring. he told me to go, and i went. i called nate and he met me and we drove to syracuse together. i called dad to see if jill was on his insurance, he said no. we ate burger king on the way. we talked about all the things we wanted to say to our fathers but couldn't. when we got to the hospital joe b. was there and we all began to wait. i kept trying to call dad and update him but i couldn't reach him. i called tracy to see if she was with him. she told me they were supposed to be on a date but he never showed up. she said she was going to his house to see what was up and that she would call. when she didn't call i began to worry. i called her again. she said she found a note on the door and she called the police. i asked her if everything was ok and she said no. i asked if dad was ok and she said no. i asked if he was alive and she said no. i walked into the waiting room that was by that time full of people all waiting for jill and i pointed at nate. nate came out into the hall with me and i said dad was dead. then i said it again. and again. then all of a sudden i was wailing it and crying. i tried to be anywhere but there but there was only hospital on every side. my mom came out and tried asking me what was wrong. i told her i couldn't tell her, not there and not then. she followed me. i screamed it, "he's dead mom!" and then i was on the floor and nate was trying to hold me. i couldn't get up. nate and joe carried me to a bench. 10 minutes later i was on the phone with jenna. 20 minutes later i was outside the hospital smoking a cigarette with nate. by 1am jill was out of surgery. she came out with a brace on her neck and tubes down her nose and throat. she was throwing up but couldn't move and couldn't breath. she was puffy and bleeding. i stroked her hair at 1am and wondered how i would tell her. how do you tell your incapacitated sister that your father shot himself? what happens to you after you've had to make that decision?

i can't write anymore. but to bring it back around...i know now. i know what happens after that moment. i know that my life will never be the same and i know that no matter how many more times the face of my world is altered i will be able to manage it. that's enough for now.

long time no post

wellll. usually when i go a substantial amount of time without writing in this thing it means i can't verbalize what i want to say. or perhaps it's because once it's written down it's real. in this case i bet both things are true.

my life is in a state of constant upheaval. but i'm learning to be happy regardless.

maybe it's easier for me to be content right now because even when things are bad, i still get to sleep in a bed with super-hero sheets. there's even a batman pillow. in lieu of explaining the past few weeks and what they've meant for my personal life, i will just list off a few things that make me smile:

*my kitty, foxy
*wine tasting parties that involve snacks and lawn chairs
*watching the friday 13th series
*twizzlers
*getting my hair did
*the retail shop boys & all their perverse ways
*brewing dank beer
*staying in bed until the very last possible moment
*making out
*watching x-files
*planning my brewpub

so there's that. piece it together on your own if you wish, i have sun tanning to do.

random thoughts

it's 12:04. i'm supposed to be doing productive things and i cant quite get myself to want to. it's funny because 2 weeks ago i was charged up for this type of thing. now i don't even want to be at work. or near work. or thinking about work.

or really anything.

life is always this thing i have in my mind that i can't quite get to. this is the part where some invisible narrator says, "this is life." stupid faceless voice.

i was laying in my bed this morning at dawn looking at my purple walls with all my pictures arrayed about. and i thought, "i was never meant to be here." and i don't know if that thought stems from being treated inconsequential or because i really should be somewhere else.

father's day

yesterday was fathers day. i was pretty grumpy for the most part of the day, to be honest. the last time i saw my dad was fathers day two years ago when he came to visit me (unexpectedly) in york. when he was there we didn't have those stellar conversations that we always had. we barbecued. he drank two budweisers in two days and that was probably less than i had seen him drink in years. there was a disconnect and i knew it then. and i knew why too. but i thought it only in passing.

i guess i don't really want to talk about all the stuff that has happened since then. i don't want to think about that part of my dad, just for a little while. though it is difficult to separate the man from the action in this circumstance. while i can though, here are some things i hope i never forget (i am lucky to have such recollections):

his hands. dad had sun spots on his hands, more so with age. his fingernails were flat but had ridges. his fingers were stubby. there was a half-moon scar on his left hand from when he thought it appropriate to play with fireworks. i can remember his hands on my shoulders. he always did that when he wanted a hug.

my dad was tough. a "tough guy". now you know where i get it from. mike anderson once told me a story about the cobblestone in syracuse on a weekend. he said that some guy had been talking crap to them all night and that he dared to get up in mike's face (as a reminder: mike anderson is h u g e ). mike told me that before he could get a hold on the argument my dad had jumped onto the pool table and took a running dive at this man. all parties were consequently kicked out of the bar. but dad won. so maybe he wasn't a very big man, to say the least, but he had heart.

dad used to call me "baby" all the time. perhaps he had seen dirty dancing too many times, which could actually be true. it used to drive me nuts when i was in high school. hell, it made me angry right through college. i remember dad coming to visit my apartment in buffalo when i lived with adam. he showed up at the door, handed adam his luggage, put his hands on my shoulders and said, "i love you baby". i can't even imagine now why such things used to offend me so easily.

you definitely knew where you stood with dad. if he liked you, he'd walk to the end of the earth for you. if not, oh man. one word: headlock. many, many a boyfriend i lost to this strategy of his: new boyfriend does something stupid (dad has been waiting for this moment) dad rushes at boyfriend and puts him in a headlock, new boyfriend's face turns red. i never stopped him. maybe it's because i never really liked any of those ones (good call, dad). if he was mad at you, you knew it. but that was never as bad as when he was disappointed, then he would just cry. oh man, he got me good a couple of times with that. that always made me want to be dead. but mostly he just called me "kristi" or "baby" and told me he loved me. that's where i stood with him (most of the time).

the last time i saw my dad was father's day weekend two years ago. we went to lunch at omega on my lunch break from the office. i had the honey dijon salad with chicken. we talked about his plans for the rest of the weekend. he dropped me off at work and as i walked into work i turned around and saw him wipe his eyes just before getting into the car. he pulled out of the driveway and honked twice.

and that's all i am going to say. none of those bad things. none of them.

someone call the w-ambulance

disregard that last post. you know, one of the major reasons why i stopped keeping a journal was because when i leafed back through the pages i realized how crazy shit is. i got tired of looking at my life going from fine to great to shitty to great to fine.

and it was silly that i stopped writing.

because that is just how this is going to be--life that is. we all keep waiting for everything to be okay. and you know what--it will never be okay. there will be good, even great times. but there are always going to be some lingering negatives. there will be speeding tickets and hangnails. there will be relationship problems and fair weather friends. we will have piles and piles of work to think about when we get home. laundry, garbage, lawns to mow. and that's not even the tough stuff.

when we were in high school our parents always said that those years would be the best of our lives. they were lying of course. but, the truth of that statement lies in the fact that we had no idea what we were in for. if they were going to be straight-up they would have said that it only got worse from there.

don't get me wrong, life isn't bad, that isn't what i mean to say. it's just that it isn't easy and it isn't okay. and it never will be. and we ride the ride because there's no way out. it's like being at the pinnacle of the roller coaster and knowing that you're about to drop hundreds of feet and not even being able to scream because of the fear of the thing. so we take our baggage and our doubts and our insecurities, and we plummet.

on that note, don't disregard that last post.

yayyy beer

so the sweetest thing happened. i went to a banquet last night at the convention center in rochester. there were all kinds of big wig sports guys there whose names and accomplishments i really didn't know or even care to know. but there was a live auction and gerg got us 8 tickets to tour/taste at high falls brewery. and i am so psyched. they dont normally give tastings there so it's like charlie & the chocolate factory except with beer. yessssah. i love beer. its seems my liver has been gaining career confidence lately. i'm going to consider it a hazard of the job.

to continue on the beer topic, kyle & i have been planning our brewery lately and i think if we plan it thoroughly enough and lil says no, then maybe we should do it anyways. i mean, if i am to go down in flames i'd at least prefer to do it with style and in hopes of accomplishing a major life dream.

oh dreams, i'm so glad i have you, and future, you too.

biiiiirrrrthday

let me say first of all, that i am so glad to be out and away from geneseo.  some of my "kelly's" friends came into the winery yesterday and it was a good reminder that i am in a better place where i currently am than i was 2 months ago.  they lovingly referred to the house i was living in as "crazy town".  which was really refreshing.  for a while i thought maybe it was me and that perhaps there was something negative about me not "approving" of what when on in that damn  house.  like i wasn't being understanding of the "untraditional lifestyle" they are living there.  but no that's not true.  what is happening there really is crazy.  just straight up crazy.  and it could probably go without saying but it's also emotionally unhealthy for all parties involved. 

we went on a wine tour today and it was great.  then we had dinner at the hill.  tomorrow we're going out to dinner, all of us.  and i didn't have to beg, borrow, or steal to get anyone to do it.  it's amazing to me that i could be so far away from that life that i had known so well.  i am thankful.  

tomorrow is my birthday and i am glad that i am right where i should be.    

on break at bhv. eating a meatball sub. thinking about my next meal already.

i feel like i am floating. the house isn't set-up yet and i don't really feel settled in it. i keep waiting to go back to geneseo and live there. it's like being on vacation from my life except i have to work. once the house is ready though i think i'll be happier. i'm just so busy and everything is so up in the air that i can't seem to really be in a good mood. i have no excuses, seriously. usually when i'm in a bad mood though, i blame it on greg. like right now. he hasn't even done anything wrong, to my knowledge at least. it seems like it's going well between us but i don't really know, sometimes i feel like he only tells me half of the truth. which i can mostly attribute to his facebook bumper sticker collection, which is --ultimately--the ridiculous part. but still. i guess it doesn't really matter, there are so many other things to concern myself with. i just really don't feel like being "that girl" again. been there, done that. i don't know.

on a happier note, i think the hosue may have heat tonight which is sweet. and also, it is wing night and i am all about that, let me tell you. wings and beer? hell yeah. helllll yeahhhh.

i am sweet

let's talk about how impressive i am. last night i drank too much and had to hike back to the house from the bar. straight up hill. no joke, i had to stop just for breathing about every 50 yards. that's bad. and i smoked cigarettes on the way too. then i didn't set my alarm clock and yet magically woke up 15 minutes before i had to be at work. actually i may have been a little intoxicated then. i got myself ready in time and made it here without a hitch. i'm really surprised. i consider that to be a combo of luck and skill. not only do i have a professional liver but i am also well versed in the ever popular "oh-shit-i'm still-drunk-and-have-to-be-at-work-in-15-minutes". also referred to as "shitshitshit". last night was sweet though. jenna came to visit and i'm always grateful to have a cool and chill girl to hang out with. she hiked the hill with me and smoked cigarettes at the same time. hetero soulmates i friggin swear. and we snuggled too.

it's lunch time and i'm wasting it writing a blog. but i kind of miss having the ability to blog whenever i want so sacrifices have to be made (ha.). life is sweet. i have a thousand things to do all the time. i'm worried that it's all downhill from here. lets hope not, at least for a while. in the meantime im going to enjoy this.

-K

i have never been and never will be a genuinely interested or good student. period.

my mood is precarious at best. i only partially studied for the test i have to take in 20 minutes and i'm not sure what room it's in. i will have to guess because i have no way of finding that out. i didn't finish my take home exam because i procrastinated on it for over a week and now i find that i just don't care, but i still need to hand in some kind of bullshit. also, my mom was supposed to help me move today with her boyfriend but apparently they had a fight and now she is in a bad mood and as a result she thought she'd just blow me off. but no. no that is not okay with me. i never ask for anything from my mother. i haven't in years. and then i ask for maybe 12 hours of her time and she can't do it? today is the only day off i have until next tuesday and i am sure as hell not going to sleep on the floor for the next 6 days because she's cranky.

ok, now that that's out of my system maybe i could talk about some more positive things. or maybe about the same things in a more positive way. about the tests, the fact is that i really don't care what grade i get on them because i'm pretty much guaranteed a decent grade in the overall class. a B or a C and that is just fine with me. really i'm just annoyed that i have to sit down and physically complete them. other than today being kind of crap-tastic everything in my life seems to be going fairly well. and by fairly i mean actually great. which is scary to me. i'm used to mediocrity. i feel like the fall from where i am is going to hurt a lot more than if i were underachieving in my normal manner. things are actually going so well for me that i am afraid. no joke. never had that happen before. this morning when i woke up (granted it was to yelling and i only got like 6 hours of sleep) i got that sinking feeling. somewhere in my brain the yelling translated into me losing everything i like right now. it was sad. until i woke up and realized that everything was okay, at least for the moment. i struggle with really appreciating it all because i'm afraid that when i do it will disappear. like magic except for not fun or great. and i don't know how i got to be where i am now. i mean, i've worked hard in my life and made it throught some tough shit but do i really deserve to be truly and really happy? i'm not sure. self worth is a funny thing.

oh and i got an A on my thesis. cooper's only complaint was that he wanted it to go further. he also wrote, "a pleasure getting to know you. i look forward to seeing you in less puritanical circumstances!" yes, there was an exclamation point. yesss. success (!).

and now for at least 3 straight hours of absolute bullshit so that i can move on with my life. i'm not sure if it's forward exactly, but it's moving, definitely.

there's a guy across the computer lab that looks exactly like ryan from the office, no joke

here's a list of stuff i love (and why my life, although currently hectic, is sweet):
*steamed pork dumplings from main moon--->dear dumplings, i hope i get to eat you again at some point and until then i will miss you dearly. especially on tuesdays when you should be in my stomach.
*jenna-->jenna is a princess of all that is great (and shiny, cause that's cool) at this point in my life. thank you divine being for delivering me jenna.
*my horoscope--> it says, "you'll be thinking a lot about love. your personal outlook and attitude will attract someone who has plenty to offer. volunteer for extra work and you will meet your match." could this be true? yes please.
*my deteriorating list of papers-->i polished off 3 of them today. that only leaves one more big one and thats not due until next tuesday.
*lilacs-->their petals are falling off the trees and lining the streets. it's like the saying "streets paved of gold" except with lilacs. it's pretty and i like it.
*finals-->not that i have them of course but that 24 hours from now i will only have one left, and that also is not until next week.
*text messaging-->jibs and i are currently discussing the 2nd season of shot at love and how no one is as great as dani from the first season.
*mountain dew-->because it comes in a can and has given me the extra burst of energy needed to write this (pointless!) blog.

so, now you know, i officially like stuff.

tuesday

so i just finished my thesis paper. it is pretty and it is done. i clipped it into the binder and now i'm going to just look at it for a little while. it is probably one of the only papers i've ever written in college that meant something to me. and i am really proud of it and i'm going to make everyone read it and tell me i'm the best. (p.s. i'm too tired for modesty right now thank you).

now i only have like 5 papers to go! oh maaaannnn. tomorrow i have finals from noon to 6:30pm and afterwards i am going to lay in my bed and watch reality television and probably drool. and i am genuinely looking forward to it. then i start work on friday and i don't have a day off until next wednesday. god only knows when i am going to move. before work one morning is my best guess? maybe this time next week my life will begin to take some kind of shape again. maybe i can start thinking about happy things then, like painting and landscaping (that's not a joke).

but it's too soon to imagine such things. i can only barely see the light at the end of that tunnel now...

enthusiasm reserves reaching empty

it is now 5:20 and i have been in the library since 10am. I have written 13 pages of 20 and am officially brain dead. i made a smoking friend who will be supplying my bad habit for the next 7 pages. i can't remember his name but he smokes camels and i am okay with that. at this stage my no smoking rule is out the window and you can consider me a smoker for the next however many hours. on another note, my legs feel like jelly. i'm not quite sure what the link is between over-extension of the brain and physical coordination, or if one scientifically exists, but my body has temporarily entered code red emergency. and i havent even had too much coffee so i can't blame it on the caffeine.

now is the time that i normally give up and take a break, which is probably what i should be doing for my brain's sake. but i literally cannot stop or else i won't have the time to finish everything that is necessary for me to get my ass out of college. at this point i would morally feel alright with paying someone else to do my work for me and that is not a joke. and if i had more cash then i would but as short as i am on time i'm even shorter on money. sigh.

in order to replenish my existential self i am going to google "people falling" and peruse bumper stickers for awhile.

yesss.

this i believe

jill called me at 6:30 this morning. usually if i call before noon i can expect to hear her dim "hellllo?" on the other line telling me she is still in bed. so i knew there had to be something about this early AM call. and there was. she had a dream about dad, complete with monsters and dead stuff. and dad was dead too, but not in a monster-ish/zombie way. he told her that he was there to keep all the bad things away for the two of us and our mom. i like to think that dreams like these are real.

i've had a lot of dreams about my dad. some of them are petrifying and some make me cry and others are pretty run of the mill. but a lot of times they seem so real. i had a dream about a year and a half ago about my dad that was particularly therapeutic. there was a dinner party and everyone i knew was there including dad. and we were all having conversations and pretending that life was okay but there was this darkness settling over the room. everyone knew what he had done and no one wanted to talk about it. he spoke to no one. things progressed like that for what seemed like forever in my dream. and finally i got up out of my seat and walked to the other side of the table and just hugged him. he told me he loved me. the rest of the dream i just cried. i had my head down and i could see my hair and i was just crying out of control. and i woke up crying too. or, rather, adam woke me up because he couldn't take my sleep mourning any longer.

i don't think there's any real reason why i shouldn't think those dreams are real. there's no harm in believing it and it makes me feel better to think that in some realm i got to tell my dad i love him once more. and i'd also like to think that he's out there protecting us somehow. so that's what i'm going to do and that's what i told jill too.

as a footnote to this dad story i'd like to say that on friday i went to mia's for a slice and margaritaville was stuck on repeat for my entire stay there (dad's favorite song, i used it in his eulogy). and then a man wearing a margaritaville shirt walked in. sure, these things are coincidence. but why can't they be my dad telling me he's out there?

astro-golf

there are a few things standing between me and summer festivities. They are as follows:
*25 page paper on grapes for ecocriticism (i have 3 done)
*8 page paper on shakespeare (4 done)
*5 page paper for humanities (which was due last semester...yep)
*4 final exams
*moving all my earthly possessions
*cleaning cleaning cleaning
so here i am in the library thinking about all the things that i have to do in the next week. and i'm surprisingly not unhappy about having to do all of this. i'm not cranky because it means that its all over and i can relax, if only for a short period. however, i'm not really motivated either. probably because i'm still a little hungover. yesterday i vowed i would not kill my brain cells and then i immediately commenced doing just that. i am a real push-over, seriously.

oh, also on the list of things that need to be accomplished this week is going through the crap thats in storage and separating out what's mine from what's adam's. i really know how to have fun. it'll be weird, i think, to see all of those things that used to be so familiar now collecting dust in the recesses of a.c.o. but it'll be ok, i'm not really even that nostalgic for adam anymore which is amazing. the last time i saw him he told me that his leaving was perhaps the most detrimental thing he has ever done. it was funny because for so long that's all i wanted to hear. you know, that he was sorry and that he really did love me and that he made a mistake. but hearing them didn't make me feel anything. i suppose that's because whether or not it was said those things were always true.

i'm so ready to leave. i want to wrap up the past few years neatly and store them away and make room for new and better things. and that's what i am going to do, because i can. so much happened in my life in the years i've lived here. and i'm tired of looking at myself in this context. i want to be shiny and new. ooo shiny.

i am not a pretty girl

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and that's all i have to say.
i am almost out of geneseo.

(i want to be more than a pretty girl)

ms. cranky pants

you know what drives me nuts? exclamation points. especially if they appear in droves. exclamation points are only alright when they are appear alone and i only really appreciate them when they're ironic exclamation points. or genuine, which too many exclamation points never are, for-your-information. also, if you're going to use copious amounts of exclamation points the necessity of also writing in caps is totally lost. so there.

ok, now that that's over with...

i got a whopping 3 hours of sleep last night if you can't tell by my crankiness. with the lights on when i was supposed to be writing...

...alright. i have nothing positive or witty to write so im going to go outside and take a nap on the college green because i am too lazy to walk back up to the house. and after class i want to clean my room and lay in my bed and hopefully think about nothing. YYYAAAYYYYYY!!!!!
(say it in the voice, you know which one)

..heh...

iGod

i was getting a little self serious just now in the library. over-thinking things i cannot myself change. wondering why i can't make a mistake once and learn from it. noooo, i have to make the same mistake over and over and bear the consequences. i must not be as smart as i think i am.

so as i am going over these things in my head and procrastinating on the last 3 pages of that paper that's due tomorrow, this girl (who used to work at the cafe with me and was a total bitch) walked up the stairs. i'm sorry, ran up the stairs. and you know what? she fell. and this is the quiet study area, i can't even have my cell phone set to vibrate up here. i had to take a break downstairs, needless to say. and all of this brings me to the conclusion that maybe people falling is really a running joke between me & god. because it always seems to happen in a moment when i can really appreciate it. and how cool would that be..."god" the infamous sends little kristin a message: life is funny if you are looking at it the right way!

we usually refer to this "god" person as the "divine being", jenna & i do. and the divine being always does funny things. here's a good one: last summer i was driving to hport with mary and getting myself all worked up over something--probably a dude--and i had the windows down (cause thats how i roll in the summer, obviously), and a pebble hit me right in the eye. as if the divine being was standing up there on a cloud somewhere and called all his/her comrades over and said, "wait, watch this, this is going to be great," and sent that little bugger down from the heavens to bounce off of my retina. tricky god, aren't you funny?

oh also on the "god" topic". today i was typing too fast and sent the word igod to my sister. iGod. this immediately sounds like a great opportunity for funny things. i'm leaving that open for suggestions (or advertisements, perhaps)...

(and now back to writing 3 pages on crap to meet a quota)

wonder kristin!

i am a superhero. seriously, i have a magical ability. and that is: i get myself into the most extreme situations. i always get out of them, sometimes unscathed. but definitely changed. this past weekend is kind of a blur to me but there are some things i learned that particularly stand out (that and i love making lists):

1- dan jimerson is a master of sweet 80's music. i am the master, but he makes the list.
2- deserted wineries are abundantly awesome.
3- i am kind of afraid of fish. the more there are, the more afraid i become.
4- i am not afraid of mice. i am especially not afraid of frederick the mouse who is my friend and whose life i saved.
5- big dogs see me as competition.
6- creme brulee ice cream is amazing. seriously, it's ben & jerry's, try it.
7- (because i don't want to stop a list at 6, my luck is unfortunate enough) i am friends with more guys than girls for one major reason: guys in general are cooler than girls. and they like me better too.

best scenario of this past weekend: drinking wine with dan and trying to catch the house mouse.
worst scenario of this past weekend: being stuck in alfred, drunk, and finding out that the person I've been seeing for months has been with someone else. also, having to stay at "someone else's" house on the floor. and also, telling "someone else" that their shoes are cute right before you find out they're actually a total skank and made out with your man. oh yes and also, finding this out in a large crowd of people and trying to maintain your cool. AND, having to learn this piece of offensive information only hours after you've been told by the person (whom you trusted) you've been seeing that they have been in repetitive contact with their ex.

so it happened that at 10:30 pm on saturday night i was alone and drunk in alfred. and i was not happy about it. and a girl asked me if i needed a ride anywhere because she had heard the conversation i was having (with my sister about how much my life at that precise moment sucked); she was heaven-sent i swear. then i went back to the party where "that person" and "someone else" were and i made a new friend. and we talked about how great things like green peppers and peanut butter are. he asked if i always liked the kooky guys (in reference to you-know-who, who happened at that moment to be singing a song about girl scout cookies, out loud) and i said yes but i'd prefer if they were honest too. he said he understood and i think he did because he really looked at me. we talked about more random things like body hair and dishware and when we talked we told the whole truth--all of it. because we didn't know each other and we had no reason to lie. and i don't think either of us would even if we did.

later that evening i fell asleep on the couch. my new friend slept on the floor. it was 4:30 in the morning. i know he fell asleep looking at me that night. i could feel it. i couldn't hide being upset anymore, i'd had too many beers and everyone else was passed out, unaware. and i cried. he watched me and i let him. it was the only honest moment i had that entire day and it was with a complete stranger.

that was the most important thing i learned all weekend: honesty does exist. even brutally sometimes. and it will always be there--even at 4:30am when you're wasted and in alfred and you think you're being smothered with a lie. honesty is everywhere.

2 words: temper tantrum

now it's 2:20 and i have a page and a half written in what should be an 8 page document. if writing about shakespeare could physically cause harm to people (which some may argue it has the ability to do) i'd currently be receiving an ass-whooping. i have the following ailments: i am tired. i am irritable. i am hungry and i have a stomach ache. i have a headache. and suddenly i am feeling dizzy. now...do i have these ailments because of some understandable reason or have i created them in my mind as a defense mechanism against an 8 page shakespeare paper?

i'm also feeling like i want to get laid. is it possible that shakespeare could have such an effect on me? and if it is...should i see someone about that?

uuughhhhhhh.

i want to have sex and then sleep for a week. i will wake up when my schoolwork has magically accomplished itself).

pour a little salt we were never here

i'm in the library. i got up at 8am to start my shakespeare paper and now it's 11:23 and i still don't even know what the topics are. i'm listening to bon iver. adam gave me the cd yesterday, and here's how that happened:

but first, a run-through of my day:
yesterday morning i got up & changed my clothes about 1000 times before i found something i felt comfortable enough to give a presentation in. i was almost late because of it. the presentation went really well , except for one oddity. i noticed about halfway through that i had one leg up behind me. you know, like in the movies when they finally kiss and the girls leg kicks up behind her. like that. so, essentially, i looked like a sleeping ostrich the whole time. thank god i was behind a podium. then i went home and took a sweet nap and woke up with the worst smoothie craving ever. i had to go to wegmans and spend too much money on fruit and juice, but oh man was it amazing. shortly after my craving was fed justin & jordie showed up and we had a beer and talked about all the super-uninteresting things that have happened to us since the last time we talked, but i enjoyed myself regardless. i went to dave's and he took me on a motorcycle ride through letchworth at about 7pm. it was incredibly beautiful. and scary. i thought about how going 50 miles per hour with the ground inches away allows a person to think about things they normally couldn't (but that's a whole other blog). we ordered pizza and drank red wine and talked about life, as we do.

and then:
adam drove up. which was alright because i am in a different place and i don't have feelings for adam in the way that i did, finally. but it was strange to see him without all those feelings that were like a veil to my better judgment (which, really, is what they were). and then dave decided he was tired and went to bed and us two were left to our own faculties. we talked about wine and about music. these were two of our most common interests. we talked about food and the future. we avoided all topics that would address what we had. we didn't talk about our mutual friends. we talked about our faults. we sat far away from each other. and i think for the first time in over a year we enjoyed each other for exactly what we are. he treated me like a i was smart and pretty and funny. and believe me, i felt like none of these things when we were together. he showed me his new cd's and a few of them happened to be cd's that i had recommended to him. that also never happened when we were dating. and when we got tired the night was over. we hugged, which was the only sad part (you know, the way people fit together, it's something you don't forget). and then he gave me his bon iver cd. he told me his favorite song on it was #3. that's my favorite. we listened to it twice together.

" i tell my love to wreck it all, cut all of the ropes and let me fall.
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...right in the moment this order is tall...
and i told you to be patient, and i told you to be fine, i told you to be balanced,
i told you to be kind...now all your love is wasted and who the hell was i?
now i'm breaking at the britches, and at the end of all your lines,
who will love you,
who will fight,
who will fall far behind?"
~skinny love, bon iver

"well, all i need is the air i breathe...

...and a place to rest my head"

there are a lot of things that i don't like about myself. and there are plenty of things i am bad at: like math and not laughing when its inappropriate. but there are some things i fare well with: i shake hands firmly and i can make a place feel like home even if it's far away. and, for better or for worse, i notice all kinds of unimportant things. i remember the way the furnace sounded in the house i grew up in. when i heard it i used to make my way to the nearest vent and stand on it to get all the hot air for my own two feet. i remember that my dad's fingernails had ridges on them (i looked out the window after i wrote that and a white corvette drove by). i remember that my nana's black station wagon had a disney bumper sticker on it and that my babysitter mary's station wagon had a hump in the roof. i used to think that came from a very tall person sitting in the car, or maybe harry from harry & the henderson's had sat in there once. i remember waiting for my flight to italy there was a woman across the room eating an orange. she was wearing all white and i thought that was a dangerous combination, she spread a napkin out on her lap.

and what do i gain from knowing these things? comfort, is the answer to that. maybe it's a respite for an overactive mind. but i really appreciate the way these very small and non-essential moments make me feel, they're like a framework for my mind. i was thinking about what home meant to me last night when jill, mom, and i were driving to dinner. i don't have a clear picture of what my someday-home will be. but i know how it will feel. like open windows when the evening air starts to cool the temperature. like the string on a fan swinging back and forth. and waking up from a nap in the late afternoon. it will feel like the moment after you've turned off all the appliances and realized that nothing before was ever really silent. like sleeping at the foot of the christmas tree with its light on the first night after you've decorated it. and cold stones on bare feet. the smell of green peppers while you're cutting them. like wet hair and those last beads of water from the shower on your shoulders. it will feel like grass does in the spring when you barely even remember that there was such a thing as "grass" beneath all that white.

i realize that these things get me nowhere and that they're probably just taking up space in my mind where knowledge of linguistics and shakespeare and british literature should be. and maybe it's corny. but these things are really very important to me. and i am grateful for the ability to see them.

FREAK!

so, funny story. i'm off to a great start here at 9:53 am. first of all, last night i dreamed that i was running from lions who wanted to eat me. i even hid behind the refrigerator so they couldnt have me for dinner. this seems like an obvious sexual reference and i'm pretty certain it means that i need more sex.

when i woke up i skipped my first class because we had this thing due and i totally didn't do it (or even realize that i had to do it until about 11 last night, and then it was bedtime). my excuse was that i needed to work on my other paper that is due at 3:30 this afternoon. then i commenced going back to sleep for an hour, which necessitated my skipping my next class also; it's a 100 level music class where we are learning about bob dylan...necessary? i think not.

finally i got up to go to campus and i stopped at the coffee shop on the way. there was a curly haired boy standing in front of me and he turned around and smiled when i walked in. i took this to mean he had a crush on me, obviously--i'm also wearing a skirt which increases these chances. so he got his coffee and went over to the coffee station for his condiments. i got my coffee and i like cream in my coffee so, hey, great excuse. so i meander over to the coffee station and doesn't he look up and smile at me again and say "morning"? oh, he does. if i wasn't so sunburned i'm sure i would have blushed. anyways, i say "morning to you" (greeaaaat) and go to pour some half & half in my coffee. but no, this simple act could not go smoothly. i had to check him out in my peripheral vision at the same time. good idea? i think not. i missed my coffee cup by about an inch and poured it all over the table instead. i'm not talking a little. i mean, i was so consumed in looking at this dude that i poured the amount that would normally go into my coffee, onto the table. then he laughed at me and left. glad that happened.

so me and my (goddamn) coffee were making our way to the library and don't i see my brit lit teacher walking towards me (that's the class i skipped, by the way). and there was no time to turn around and that would be just too obvious, so i pretend that i can't see anything because the sun is glaring in my eyes...which it was, for the record. and this plan goes down like the friggin hindenburg. he smiles at me and says, "deeemaaaareeeee". oh crap. crapcrapcrap. so i gave him my most charming smile and say, "whoops, i was bad" and shrug. cool kristin, real cool. he laughs, thankfully but points his finger. and i use that one so i know that means trouble.

and now here i am, in the library, still not doing my essay. and i know someday, when i die, and people who i barely know find out they'll say "who?" and the answer will be, "you know, that girl."

5 foot tall female seeks a good sleeper

last night i was talking to michelle and (obviously) the boy issue came up. michelle and i have almost nothing in common it seems sometimes--though i love her dearly--and boys are no different. which is great because if we have totally different "types" then we'll never have to get into a cat fight over some jerk. there is one thing we agree on though: no more diapers. no pull-ups. only guys who have advanced into their (oh-so-grown-up) big boy pants. that's right, from this moment on, those of you still wearing your trainers can just forget about it all together.

so we considered the kind of guys we would, ultimately, like to make sweetsweet love to. michelle would like, "someone with tattoos, who's in a band, maybe a rockstar." and i? i have major hopes for a guy who likes to read books, enjoys cooking, and is a good sleeper. that last part is of the utmost importance. those of you who cannot sleep in a nice way are not welcome in my bed. i really like to crawl into bed at night, and just back it right up into a spooning position. i don't like pillows but i will take an arm. i also would prefer to be naked. and if you want to be the little spoon i will try my best to make that work. with a leg over.

i don't want a rockstar, i don't want a prince, a ceo, an astronaut. i just want to snuggle.

this is not a joke, thank you.

i just want something simple. simple and good. with someone who knows who they are and what is important to them (i.e. reading, cooking, and sleeping...oh, and me, yes).

i am drawing the story of how hard we tried

i came to the library for 2 reasons: to get the book i'm supposed to read for my 8:30 class tomorrow, and to print off the essays i'm supposed to edit for tomorrow. they don't have the book and my printing account is, alas, at zero. and i have no cash to boot. so all in all this trip was not a success. however, today was a really sunny day even if it was a little chilly. and sunsets in geneseo are always beautiful. they don't have the brilliant colors of buffalo sunsets but that's because there's less pollution (ha). the sun always sets across the valley, you can see the patches of land as they are divided by the farmers that own them. trees are budding too. it was, more or less, the quintessential vision of a college campus at dusk. and i am so not above that.

perhaps it was the song that i was listening to, but this scene made me feel quite sentimental. not for college or even for geneseo. but you know when you are looking at something, say, a place or a person and you know things are changing. that's how this sunset was for me. i only have a few more weeks of calling geneseo home and that changes my perspective of it. it's a separate entity from me now. i can't define myself by this sunset any longer because i don't live here anymore, for all intents and purposes at least.

i know this drill, i've been here before--this feeling of leaving. and i'm sure i'll feel this way many many times over. in fact i think i know this feeling so very well that i could consider it as it's own kind of space. and that makes me feel better about all the moving and rearranging we do with our lives. it makes me know that in many ways, i am my own space. all these things i feel: emotionally, spiritually, even physically (and all those other -ly's too), it's because of these things that i will always have my own space. no matter where i go or what i do i will occupy this 5 foot tall frame; all five feet of these are mine. the way i laugh, that is mine. that crooked tooth, mine. one time i was told that i smelled good, "smelled like what?" i asked. "like you do." even that is mine. and i get to take those things with me everywhere i go. some days--like this one--it's easy to find comfort in my own bones.

and i'm singing now, "and in each other's shadows we grew less and less tall and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all and i'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall and when we leave the landlord will come and paint over it all" hello both hands. i know you.

i want to write something but i'm not totally sure what to say. i want to write because i have all this stuff in my head and i need to get it out. and i need to get it out because i can't feel like i feel right now for one minute longer.

we'll start with a secret. i'm not very good at keeping them, even when they're my own anyways. the secret is, that i wonder if it's me. i mean, the line has to be drawn somewhere, right? consider the following names: adam, nate, mary, sheena, peggy, cott, greg. i'm telling you, they're dropping like flies these sometimes friends. these were people that i trusted. all people that i loved. and now, not only are they not speaking to me, but they're even going out of their way not to speak to me. now is this coincidence? maybe. or maybe not. maybe if i learned to keep my mouth shut, things could be easier. but hey, i'm pretty certain that's not going to randomly kick in anytime soon. then there's my dad and we won't even get into that feeling of being deserted, that's serious psychiatrist shit. so there's that secret that i'll never speak outloud to anyone but my mother: maybe, just maybe, i am the reason that these people are gone from my life.


do i think this all the time? no. a lot of the time i think that cott is a train wreck with a guilty conscience over dad's death and that she needs someone to blame who isn't herself. i think adam went through an existential crisis and that he could afford to do that because his parents are well off and he was provided with the time and the money for such things to occur. i think nate, mary, and sheena are all kinds of messed up right now and that there's no way out for them that isn't negative. i think peggy and i fought when we were in high school over something stupid and i hurt her feelings and she is still holding a grudge about it, and also that her significant other doesn't want her to give it up and he has that kind of power over her. i think that greg is young and has identity issues and i think that those issues are compounded by his new "situation".


? why? i overanalyze everything for one thing. and also because i am hard on myself. because i set standards for myself that i'll never obtain ever (which i do for other people too, btw).


my mom made me write down a list of ten people that i could call no matter what. people that care for me. here it is: jenna, jill, michelle, joe, kenny, dave, dan, andy, mike, mom. i know that if i called any one of these people at this very moment then they would make themselves available to listen to me bitch and moan. and they'd probably tell me i'm still cool afterwards.


so shouldn't i focus on thoughts like that? the answer to that is yes, absolutely. and the reason that i am not, currently, feeling like i want to concentrate on positive things like the above-mentioned list is because i feel bad. and i feel that way because it's hard to find out that someone you care for feels nothing in return. yes, folks, ouch. and it was a surprise too. "surprise! got you good! everytime i told you how much i cared for you i was lying! all those months! all those poems!" ha. ha. ha.

the sad part, though, is that i don't believe that for one minute. i just don't. i think he's lost a part of himself in the past few weeks. sure, he isn't "sad" anymore, but what is he really? "happy"? doubtful. and what is happiness anyways without an understanding of your own self? who cares about happy if it isn't whole? it's sad to think that someone would wish to pick and choose aspects of their personality. as if our (maybe) undesirable qualities were in any way less important to ourselves than even our most endearing. how could i expect someone who can't love themself (for who they actually are, even on shitty days) to love me?

or hey, maybe i'm just expecting too much again.

my, how you've changed

yesterday was a good day. there was barbeque, letchworth, genny cream ale, the office, cards, and good company. it all seems so simple. it was fun and it was easy. just like that.

sometimes i forget that fun can happen so easily. i think thats because i've had too little of it lately. i've decided that i like simple. everything has been so extremely complicated lately, with things at the house and with greg.

and with greg. this is an interesting one because i don't actually think things are complicated between us. i just think that he makes them complicated with his constant push and pull, his ups and downs. he keeps saying he just wants to "go with the wind". but he doesn't understand what that means. or maybe it's just a nice way to say "i'm too busy to be bothered by your company" and he isn't as great as i've made him out to be in my mind. in his last relationship he told his then girlfriend that he could see her one time a week. he always emphasized this when he told the story "one time". he'd even hold up his finger as if i needed a reaffirmation of what "one" means. and lately he's been too "busy" to see me...except for one day a week. even when he calls he needs to tell me how busy he is. i think this is a way to justify his poor behavior. but you know what, i'm not that girl. i'm not going to jump to see him once a week. i will not digress to that level. if he wants a girl who will fawn all over him and act like he's a prince (even when he clearly is not behaving like one), then i'm sure he will have no problem finding some pretty girl out there to do it for him. but that girl is not me. and thank god for that; i think it's called integrity.

i remembered something last night. i remembered that i am fun. that i am a good person to spend time with and people do actually want to spend time with me. so here's to good times with people that i love and who love me back (we have so much to look forward to).

so steady as she goes (are you steadynow?)

so this morning when i woke up i got that sinking feeling in my stomach. my response? clean everything. everything i own is clean: my apartment, car, clothes. even the refrigerator. and then i went grocery shopping. and i decided that although i genuinely love grocery shopping, it's not particularly conducive to being single.

the minute you walk in the door the size of your shopping cart must be selected. now i'm not sure when exactly this happened (although it was probably just in time for me to become single), but there are now what i like to call "single people carts". these are a necessary evil for the shopper who can't quite fill up the smaller carts and who really doesn't feel like carrying a basket either. the single shopper cart, this is the one i select. so i walk into the store and since i've been eating a lot of spinach lately so i though i'd pick up a bag. now, there are about 15 different bags of spinach to choose from and there are various prices. i'd like to pick the most economical bag of spinach because the only consistency in my life is that i'm poor. but in that case i have to buy mass quantities of spinach that will just rot in my refrigerator and make me clean it out later. so i buy the smaller bag for maybe 50 cents cheaper. then i decide i'd like some salmon because i've been on this health kick lately and it's good for me. so i wait maybe 2 minutes at the counter (which is actually a long time in wegmans), probably because the man can't see me over the display, and i order a salmon filet. "just one?" he asks and smiles, knowingly. he might as well just had said, "oh right, you're single!", with a grimace on his face and a wedding band on his finger. i finished up my shopping with the utmost concern as to how much i was spending (which, seriously, is always more of a concern when you're single) and trying to avoid having my heels run over by the moms with their large carts so full they can't even see over the top of them.

this is all incredibly petty, i realize this. and i really do like to grocery shop, i just liked it better when adam and i were living together. there was a routine, sunday evenings we went grocery shopping. we ate sushi first. we used the medium cart and took turns pushing. we conspired about what we were going to cook that week. all kinds of extravagant things that i would almost never cook just for myself (take today, for example, i had bread and cheese. and juice, if that counts). then he'd get the car and pull it up and we'd take everything home and climb the 3 flights of stairs to our apartment in buffalo, and trying to do it all in one trip at that. and then we put everything away, together.

now, don't get me wrong, this does not mean i miss adam. i truly do not. but i do miss the companionship we had. it made home feel so full, that bond. that's what i miss. and i'm sure i will have it again at some point. but that's the distant future. even if i did have a boyfriend we still wouldn't have that bond. things in new relationships are just too tumultuous for that kind of thing. it doesn't really make me sad because i'm pretty good at being single too. it was just such a good feeling. i think that if you can really enjoy grocery shopping with someone at the same time every week then you must be on to something.

life's what i got, it's within my reach

today i was running late for lunch and didn't have time to dry my hair.  which, i'm not gonna lie, was a little upsetting (because i just got it cut and colored and it looks fabulous).  so i drove there with all the windows down.  and combed my fingers through my hair the whole way.  by the time i got there it was completely dry.  i think it was a defining moment in my life.  at that moment i really understood.

that's all i'm ever going to be.  and i like the idea of that.

this could be crap, but im really feeling it

the last two days have been quite interesting. i'm not even sure where to start. but i think i have a good idea of where i want it to go and so i will start from there.

last night i went out with ryan, who has successfully avoided me since my last altercation with adam. and it was a surprisingly normal evening. it kind of makes me laugh because we all sequester ourselves and our thoughts to a point that we think we are the only ones having them. and that couldn't be farther from the truth. the ability to be genuine and honest is severely lacking in my generation, not only in regards to other people but also to ourselves. my generation lives inside of a language that was developed by our parents. and our lives exist in a context that is completely new and different. all of a sudden it seems ridiculous to me that i have friends who can't admit that they are gay. they can't "come out". they can't verbally admit that their world exists outside of the typically accepted realm. why don't we have a language that allows for such things to occur, such things to be said even, that doesn't inherently denegrate them? why can't i tell anyone that my father committed suicide without them feeling awkward? just think about how that is said... you can murder someone, you can die, but you can't suicide. you have to "commit" suicide. think about the implications of that. we have outgrown our language. when we do things that don't easily conform to the guidelines of the accepted form of language we feel like those things are wrong. we feel alone and fucking frustrated.

we do have labels though. like, bipolar. a doctor could provide you with a check list (yes or no questions) and then they could label you as if that made a difference. it scares me. if i wanted to be labeled i'm sure there'd be no end to the negative feedback i'd get. alcoholic. depressed. unstable. so we do have a some kind of new context but it does the same thing the past one did..hordes us all into thinking that there are ways of being.

ugh.

it's not even our fault if we aren't honest. we don't know how to be. we don't know how to speal honestly, if speaking honestly needs to be done outside of the context to which we are accustomed.

oh no. oh no oh no oh no.

so here i am again. this'll be quick i promise.

i broke my 2 month streak today. that is, my 2 month no-speaking-to-adam-under-any-circumstances streak. but it wasn't my fault. he was online. he's never online. he said "kristin"...oh god, no not now. ha. "adam". he asked if we could have an internet conversation. those are acceptable, then i don't have to make eye contact with him. that was always the tough part anyways. he said he was just wondering how i was doing. well GREAT! obviously. no one tells their ex-boyfriend they've been feeling sad and just broke up with their new boyfriend. ugh. so unfair.

seriously, not fair. i'm supposed to be successful with a loving boyfriend and ten pounds lighter when talking to him. where is the justice? ha.

but i was good. it was chivalrous and short (nothing like our actual relationship) and now it's over and i'll probably never see him again. we can hope so (he's my monkey wrench, i always come undone).

this is not a joke, it's the funny thing about birds, again

the scary part about this whole blogging thing is that everyone gets to know how i am feeling. which means they know i can run hot and cold. which is true, i just usually like to monitor it in the public arena. the other scary thing about blogging is that this is my second one today, which means that perhaps i have replaced smoking with blogging. it's entirely possible. at least i'm not getting cancer from doing it.

so today in shakespeare my teacher (who is kind of known for being clumsy), tripped over something on the floor, threw his arm up in the air and then tried to correct his footing with his opposite foot. which tripped on the same object as the first one did, causing the other arm to go straight up in the air. and his face, oh god, his face. the fear in it. in that instant he realized not only that he was falling but that he was doing it in front of 30 undergrads. how wide his eyes were. he managed to correct the issue but not until after a loud yelp and some reddening of his face. now this is a problem for me because, as you can judge from my page, i have a real penchant for people falling. i mean i really love it, i just can't get enough. so when the professor stood up and made up excuses for tripping and the whole class was allowed to laugh, i did. and then after everyone stopped laughing, i continued to laugh. and then i actually went as far as to laugh harder. we are talking can't stop, turning red, trying to contain it and then bursting out sporadically kinds of laughter. and it just so happens that my teacher is the head of the english department too. which only makes it funnier. i'm even laughing right now just thinking about it.

i am going to take it as a sign. the point is this: every one of us is a fool. think about how mortifying it would have been for my professor if he had bit the dust in front of all his pupils. word would have spread around the department like a friggin tidal wave. his colleagues would have known before he could pick himself up. but goddamn it was funny. goddamn.

it was like the divine being saying stop taking yourself so seriously, it's going to be fine, and if it's not then at least it'll be funny.

needs a hug like whoa

it's sunny out today. not very warm, but it'll still permit me to wrap myself in blankets and sit on the porch. i didn't go buy a pack of cigarettes, just so you know (although it took all my fortitude not to). and i think i know what the problem is here, with me.

the problem is that i don't do anything amazing and i have before. and i haven't done anything really great in a long time. since my dad died i've been getting by. i've been getting out of bed and going to school and trying to get something solid into my life. and i have really failed miserably at all three of those things on occasion. fortunately i still have a sense of humor but that can definitely get a little sardonic at times. the fact is that i used to believe in myself so strongly that i feared doing nothing, i would think "at least i have myself". and that has changed, that is the problem.

my dad's death changed me at my very core. not all for the worse. but it made me afraid of myself. you know the saying, "the apple never falls far from the tree". it's one of those things you never say out loud (thankfully this isn't really "out loud" nor is it to anyone exactly) but one of the things i'm afraid of is that i will get it all together and then i will destroy it. and i will hurt everyone i care for. that's my fear. that no matter what i do i am inherently going to fail. i am afraid of becoming my father, and my mother too.

so now it's out there. i guess it's probably not that uncommon amongst people of my age. deep breath.

be cool bitch, be cool

i am numb.

i actually don't even know what to say but i know if i don't write something i'll lose it. i won't cry. that's not what i mean by lose it. i think it just means i'll buy a pack of cigarettes and lay in my bed and listen to my heart as it beats out of my chest.

uh oh, i stopped typing for a few seconds and it almost hit me.

ok i might cry. but i'm in the library so that wouldn't be very helpful.

when we were in the car all i could think was "we're almost home almost home just keep calm almost home". and then we got home and he tried to hug me and i couldn't do it. but god did i want to. i wanted to put my hands on his chest and tell him every thing's ok and i love you. but i couldn't do that either. i turned my phone off after he left and i've looked at it every 2 seconds since then and considered turning it back on. but i know i shouldn't.

what i should do is leave. just go. i really have no reason to stay here, or anywhere in the vicinity of here. i'm 22. schools almost over. i don't have a full time position clearly lined up. i could leave easier at this minute than ever before. i could get up from this chair and go right now. it'd fuck up this semester but who really gives a shit. i know i don't, if i had ever really cared about school it'd be over by now. so what do i do?

stay or go?

what would my dad tell me to do?
he'd have told me to come see him.

the circles that we move in

i had a better day today than i've had in over 2 weeks.

funny story, so immediately after i typed that all the smoke alarms went off in the house. no joke. and i'm too short to reach them on a chair.

aaanyways, i woke up really early this morning to drive back from Bonas. i watched the sunrise in the car. went to class. cleaned. did grocery shopping. did all my laundry. i was a really good girl today. and i wore a skirt too. even though there's a "wind warning". ha.

also i had to workshop the first 3 pages of my thesis today and i thought maybe my heart would burst. but it went well. it's funny because after 5 years of college i barely remember how to speak in my own voice when i'm writing something longer than a page or so. and it's because of school; all that "academic" writing i've done. now when i just write it takes me twice as long and i worry excessively over the cheesy factor. i'm not good with that kind of stuff, it really puts me off. i'm the same way with, say, any conversation having to do with relationships. i really like you is about where i cut off.

which is good. cause i'm only 22.

my only plans for the evening (outside of painting my now very pretty pretty fingernails thankyouverymuch) were to watch hell's kitchen. i feel a little sad that i am admitting that publically. but it's true. and i really enjoyed it to boot. this is the third season and i watched both of the two priors. i think i have a penchant for it because of the associations my mind makes while i watch it. it reminds me of my last apartment during summer (when it was the best, with all the doors open and the cats coming and going). and it reminds me of watching it with jill when she was in the hospital. i know that doesn't sound very fun, but you know what, it was somehow comforting to be there. with everything that had happened it seemed easier to be in the hospital where everything revolves around getting better and not what is going to inevitably occur once you leave that secure place. i also have an unnatural curiosity with hospital food. that is to say, i really like it (which is actually the curious part).

more tomorrow. now its time to eat cookie dough ice cream (which isn't going to be as tasty as it sounds because somebody ate all the cookie dough out of it before i had the chance--which is really irksome cause that's my strategy).

redo of first "real" blog...short version

yesterday i made my first addition to this page ever. and then my sister jillian deleted it. thank you jillian. killllll. ha.

regardless, there are a few reasons that this page exists. The first reason is that i really just like to say the word blog. blogblogblog. yes, fun every time. and now i get to use it more consistently. also, i am bored in my life, as it were, and need an outlet. also, the crazy levels have been high lately and i think this might help me maintain some perspective, writing will in any case.

the other thing that i'd like to say as a preface is that not everything in this blog is going to be worth reading or knowing. i'm sure most of it will be straight up crap. but i'm going to do it anyways, just because i can.