my mood is precarious at best. i only partially studied for the test i have to take in 20 minutes and i'm not sure what room it's in. i will have to guess because i have no way of finding that out. i didn't finish my take home exam because i procrastinated on it for over a week and now i find that i just don't care, but i still need to hand in some kind of bullshit. also, my mom was supposed to help me move today with her boyfriend but apparently they had a fight and now she is in a bad mood and as a result she thought she'd just blow me off. but no. no that is not okay with me. i never ask for anything from my mother. i haven't in years. and then i ask for maybe 12 hours of her time and she can't do it? today is the only day off i have until next tuesday and i am sure as hell not going to sleep on the floor for the next 6 days because she's cranky.
ok, now that that's out of my system maybe i could talk about some more positive things. or maybe about the same things in a more positive way. about the tests, the fact is that i really don't care what grade i get on them because i'm pretty much guaranteed a decent grade in the overall class. a B or a C and that is just fine with me. really i'm just annoyed that i have to sit down and physically complete them. other than today being kind of crap-tastic everything in my life seems to be going fairly well. and by fairly i mean actually great. which is scary to me. i'm used to mediocrity. i feel like the fall from where i am is going to hurt a lot more than if i were underachieving in my normal manner. things are actually going so well for me that i am afraid. no joke. never had that happen before. this morning when i woke up (granted it was to yelling and i only got like 6 hours of sleep) i got that sinking feeling. somewhere in my brain the yelling translated into me losing everything i like right now. it was sad. until i woke up and realized that everything was okay, at least for the moment. i struggle with really appreciating it all because i'm afraid that when i do it will disappear. like magic except for not fun or great. and i don't know how i got to be where i am now. i mean, i've worked hard in my life and made it throught some tough shit but do i really deserve to be truly and really happy? i'm not sure. self worth is a funny thing.
oh and i got an A on my thesis. cooper's only complaint was that he wanted it to go further. he also wrote, "a pleasure getting to know you. i look forward to seeing you in less puritanical circumstances!" yes, there was an exclamation point. yesss. success (!).
and now for at least 3 straight hours of absolute bullshit so that i can move on with my life. i'm not sure if it's forward exactly, but it's moving, definitely.
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