this i believe

jill called me at 6:30 this morning. usually if i call before noon i can expect to hear her dim "hellllo?" on the other line telling me she is still in bed. so i knew there had to be something about this early AM call. and there was. she had a dream about dad, complete with monsters and dead stuff. and dad was dead too, but not in a monster-ish/zombie way. he told her that he was there to keep all the bad things away for the two of us and our mom. i like to think that dreams like these are real.

i've had a lot of dreams about my dad. some of them are petrifying and some make me cry and others are pretty run of the mill. but a lot of times they seem so real. i had a dream about a year and a half ago about my dad that was particularly therapeutic. there was a dinner party and everyone i knew was there including dad. and we were all having conversations and pretending that life was okay but there was this darkness settling over the room. everyone knew what he had done and no one wanted to talk about it. he spoke to no one. things progressed like that for what seemed like forever in my dream. and finally i got up out of my seat and walked to the other side of the table and just hugged him. he told me he loved me. the rest of the dream i just cried. i had my head down and i could see my hair and i was just crying out of control. and i woke up crying too. or, rather, adam woke me up because he couldn't take my sleep mourning any longer.

i don't think there's any real reason why i shouldn't think those dreams are real. there's no harm in believing it and it makes me feel better to think that in some realm i got to tell my dad i love him once more. and i'd also like to think that he's out there protecting us somehow. so that's what i'm going to do and that's what i told jill too.

as a footnote to this dad story i'd like to say that on friday i went to mia's for a slice and margaritaville was stuck on repeat for my entire stay there (dad's favorite song, i used it in his eulogy). and then a man wearing a margaritaville shirt walked in. sure, these things are coincidence. but why can't they be my dad telling me he's out there?