be cool bitch, be cool

i am numb.

i actually don't even know what to say but i know if i don't write something i'll lose it. i won't cry. that's not what i mean by lose it. i think it just means i'll buy a pack of cigarettes and lay in my bed and listen to my heart as it beats out of my chest.

uh oh, i stopped typing for a few seconds and it almost hit me.

ok i might cry. but i'm in the library so that wouldn't be very helpful.

when we were in the car all i could think was "we're almost home almost home just keep calm almost home". and then we got home and he tried to hug me and i couldn't do it. but god did i want to. i wanted to put my hands on his chest and tell him every thing's ok and i love you. but i couldn't do that either. i turned my phone off after he left and i've looked at it every 2 seconds since then and considered turning it back on. but i know i shouldn't.

what i should do is leave. just go. i really have no reason to stay here, or anywhere in the vicinity of here. i'm 22. schools almost over. i don't have a full time position clearly lined up. i could leave easier at this minute than ever before. i could get up from this chair and go right now. it'd fuck up this semester but who really gives a shit. i know i don't, if i had ever really cared about school it'd be over by now. so what do i do?

stay or go?

what would my dad tell me to do?
he'd have told me to come see him.