it's sunny out today. not very warm, but it'll still permit me to wrap myself in blankets and sit on the porch. i didn't go buy a pack of cigarettes, just so you know (although it took all my fortitude not to). and i think i know what the problem is here, with me.
the problem is that i don't do anything amazing and i have before. and i haven't done anything really great in a long time. since my dad died i've been getting by. i've been getting out of bed and going to school and trying to get something solid into my life. and i have really failed miserably at all three of those things on occasion. fortunately i still have a sense of humor but that can definitely get a little sardonic at times. the fact is that i used to believe in myself so strongly that i feared doing nothing, i would think "at least i have myself". and that has changed, that is the problem.
my dad's death changed me at my very core. not all for the worse. but it made me afraid of myself. you know the saying, "the apple never falls far from the tree". it's one of those things you never say out loud (thankfully this isn't really "out loud" nor is it to anyone exactly) but one of the things i'm afraid of is that i will get it all together and then i will destroy it. and i will hurt everyone i care for. that's my fear. that no matter what i do i am inherently going to fail. i am afraid of becoming my father, and my mother too.
so now it's out there. i guess it's probably not that uncommon amongst people of my age. deep breath.
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