this could be crap, but im really feeling it

the last two days have been quite interesting. i'm not even sure where to start. but i think i have a good idea of where i want it to go and so i will start from there.

last night i went out with ryan, who has successfully avoided me since my last altercation with adam. and it was a surprisingly normal evening. it kind of makes me laugh because we all sequester ourselves and our thoughts to a point that we think we are the only ones having them. and that couldn't be farther from the truth. the ability to be genuine and honest is severely lacking in my generation, not only in regards to other people but also to ourselves. my generation lives inside of a language that was developed by our parents. and our lives exist in a context that is completely new and different. all of a sudden it seems ridiculous to me that i have friends who can't admit that they are gay. they can't "come out". they can't verbally admit that their world exists outside of the typically accepted realm. why don't we have a language that allows for such things to occur, such things to be said even, that doesn't inherently denegrate them? why can't i tell anyone that my father committed suicide without them feeling awkward? just think about how that is said... you can murder someone, you can die, but you can't suicide. you have to "commit" suicide. think about the implications of that. we have outgrown our language. when we do things that don't easily conform to the guidelines of the accepted form of language we feel like those things are wrong. we feel alone and fucking frustrated.

we do have labels though. like, bipolar. a doctor could provide you with a check list (yes or no questions) and then they could label you as if that made a difference. it scares me. if i wanted to be labeled i'm sure there'd be no end to the negative feedback i'd get. alcoholic. depressed. unstable. so we do have a some kind of new context but it does the same thing the past one did..hordes us all into thinking that there are ways of being.

ugh.

it's not even our fault if we aren't honest. we don't know how to be. we don't know how to speal honestly, if speaking honestly needs to be done outside of the context to which we are accustomed.