i want to write something but i'm not totally sure what to say. i want to write because i have all this stuff in my head and i need to get it out. and i need to get it out because i can't feel like i feel right now for one minute longer.

we'll start with a secret. i'm not very good at keeping them, even when they're my own anyways. the secret is, that i wonder if it's me. i mean, the line has to be drawn somewhere, right? consider the following names: adam, nate, mary, sheena, peggy, cott, greg. i'm telling you, they're dropping like flies these sometimes friends. these were people that i trusted. all people that i loved. and now, not only are they not speaking to me, but they're even going out of their way not to speak to me. now is this coincidence? maybe. or maybe not. maybe if i learned to keep my mouth shut, things could be easier. but hey, i'm pretty certain that's not going to randomly kick in anytime soon. then there's my dad and we won't even get into that feeling of being deserted, that's serious psychiatrist shit. so there's that secret that i'll never speak outloud to anyone but my mother: maybe, just maybe, i am the reason that these people are gone from my life.


do i think this all the time? no. a lot of the time i think that cott is a train wreck with a guilty conscience over dad's death and that she needs someone to blame who isn't herself. i think adam went through an existential crisis and that he could afford to do that because his parents are well off and he was provided with the time and the money for such things to occur. i think nate, mary, and sheena are all kinds of messed up right now and that there's no way out for them that isn't negative. i think peggy and i fought when we were in high school over something stupid and i hurt her feelings and she is still holding a grudge about it, and also that her significant other doesn't want her to give it up and he has that kind of power over her. i think that greg is young and has identity issues and i think that those issues are compounded by his new "situation".


? why? i overanalyze everything for one thing. and also because i am hard on myself. because i set standards for myself that i'll never obtain ever (which i do for other people too, btw).


my mom made me write down a list of ten people that i could call no matter what. people that care for me. here it is: jenna, jill, michelle, joe, kenny, dave, dan, andy, mike, mom. i know that if i called any one of these people at this very moment then they would make themselves available to listen to me bitch and moan. and they'd probably tell me i'm still cool afterwards.


so shouldn't i focus on thoughts like that? the answer to that is yes, absolutely. and the reason that i am not, currently, feeling like i want to concentrate on positive things like the above-mentioned list is because i feel bad. and i feel that way because it's hard to find out that someone you care for feels nothing in return. yes, folks, ouch. and it was a surprise too. "surprise! got you good! everytime i told you how much i cared for you i was lying! all those months! all those poems!" ha. ha. ha.

the sad part, though, is that i don't believe that for one minute. i just don't. i think he's lost a part of himself in the past few weeks. sure, he isn't "sad" anymore, but what is he really? "happy"? doubtful. and what is happiness anyways without an understanding of your own self? who cares about happy if it isn't whole? it's sad to think that someone would wish to pick and choose aspects of their personality. as if our (maybe) undesirable qualities were in any way less important to ourselves than even our most endearing. how could i expect someone who can't love themself (for who they actually are, even on shitty days) to love me?

or hey, maybe i'm just expecting too much again.